When I joined this forum a couple of years ago, I never had any idea what I was getting myself into. This is absolutely the craziest place I have ever been to, with smiling faces everywhere, and people who just want to make you laugh (and also scream when they constantly ask about the release of that certain project). But all good things must eventually come to an end, just as things that go up must come down, and this will be my final hurra in a wonderful experience at an internet forum. In other words, this is my final post. Ever. Something happened to me last night that has changed my future forever. Something very good actually. I have decided to explain who I really am (leaving out names of course), but before I do I must get one thing out of the way.
CATEGORIZED FUTURE NOCTIS IDEAS THREAD
This project that myself and Zixinus have been working on is now being passed on to the latter mentioned individual. I am very sorry to do this to you, but since I will be leaving, and possibly never to return (my account will be deleted), someone else must take the torch and march on. I have posted the entire project, zipped in a RAR file, on CD. I have also already sent Zixinus a PM, pointing him towards this posting, and leaving the url (if you noticed that I did not send the message, I will in a few minutes. I will try to send the message, and post this, at the exact same time). As stated above this will be my last official post on anywherebb.com, or 0x44.com, but I will be leaving my account active for another week. This will give Zixinus time to download the file before I officially leave (I don't know if my files will be deleted, so I am not taking any chances). My Micmacreturns user name will be deleted at end of day Wednesday January 31st, eastern standard time. If Zixinus does not get the message, hopefully one of you will download it and then pass it on if already missed. Keep an eye on his log on time, and if he does not log on by the time mentioned above, please, anyone, download the file, and pass it on to him when he comes back. Thanks.
The file is here - cd/rars/Micmacreturns/future noctis ideas thread (73 Kb)
For the first time in my entire life I find myself actually explaining who I am to total strangers. I have noticed other people have done so, and I feel safe enough doing the same. Although I am not giving my name, or any pictures. I am doing this because I have finally jumped out of a depression that I have been in for longer than I knew. About three years to be exact.
First of all, my history.
I was born with kyphoscoliosis, which means severe curvature of the spine. In other words, I have a curved spine shaped something like an 'S' inward from the back. This causes my chest to stick out a bit, making me look a little different from most people. Because of this I am also short, at about four feet, three inches. You might be wondering why the heck I am saying all this, but like I said earlier, something major happened recently, and it has changed me and my future.
Living with a disability is really no different than not living with one. It is just how you perceive everyone else, not how they perceive you. People will always judge you based on both your looks and personality. How you display yourself will end up changing the way people look at you. If you find people are judging you based on looks, or behaviour, perhaps it is time to take another look at yourself, not everyone else. It was not my appearance that had to change, but my attitude, and how I react to situations.
My childhood was great, with loving parents and lots of friends and family. But adult life in the past few years has been really, really, really, tough. Several years ago my little brother (who is about six feet tall, but still my little brother at the age of twenty two) was diagnosed with border line bipolarism. This is a chemical in-balance in the brain that causes a person to make errors in judgement and decision making. Basically, if the condition is not treated properly, as is the case with my brother, the first decision that comes to mind will end up being the one taking place. When making decisions we all end up going through a selection of ideas and scenarios in our heads. This gives us a selection of decisions to choose from. But bipolarism causes the mind to choose the first one, and not look at anything else, whether good or bad. Strangely enough it has been proven that bipolar people turn out to be very successful, but end up living a very depressing life if not treated with proper medication and help from others. I am saying all this because my brother has become this way, and I think I am now venting it out.
Eight years ago my brother was introduced to drugs and alcohol. My father drank sometime, and did cause a few embarrassing episodes, but not excessively, and not abusively either. I never grew up with violence, until my brother became that way. He fell into heroine, and other things that I won't bother mentioning. He became violent and turned on everyone, especially his only brother, who both of us had a great childhood together, and his mother and father. For years we constantly dealt with his horrible and vial attitude. Mom was the one that took the brunt of almost all of it, and I will never know everything that happened. But I know enough. Over time we managed, and struggled, to get him away from drugs, but alcohol remained persistent. After being kicked out of the house because of a very stupid, and violent incidenet, on his part, myself and my mother have been used by him for the past three years. For so long, almost every single night and day, he would call demanding cigarettes and other things. Even worse, the minute he tasted alcohol, he needed more. It was like a drug, and he would do anything to get it. Many, many, nights, horrible nights, my mother and I would stay up all night long afraid he would smash the front door, always demanding money, which he called about all the time. Once he did just that. I have begun to hate night time, and I never sleep. Because of this I found myself falling into a deep depression, but never admitted to it. Until now.
While in this depression I ended up imaging myself in other places, better places, as a stronger person. As a kid with a disability I ended up doing this quite often, which was actually normal. My imagination is over active, and I have written some amazing and detailed stories because of this. But unfortuntely, doing this can turn you into a worse person than you might think. I have never once done drugs, or even drank a drop of alcohol, but I found myself growing grumpy. I worked in call centers for about five years. I did this because I found myself never able to think properly, caused by the trouble we were having. I have just recently realized that I had so many chances to make good friends, and meet women, beautiful women, some just as unusual looking as me, but I blew it because I was grumpy. It was like living in a fog.
This constant life in a myst grew on, never ending, until about a week and a half ago. Recently I mentioned in the WHATEVER section that I was ill, and on medication to help me. Because of my chest, I am extremely vulnerable to bacterial infection. Don't get the wrong idea of me, I am a healthy person who walks, talks, jumps, rolls, and moves along like any one else (except maybe the rolling part, that would hurt). Because I have been ill I have been stuck inside the house. I have always lived with my parents, who never really wanted me to go. They did not really want my brother to go either, but he was still young, until he ran into problems. But the past week or so things have been very quiet. Usually my brother would take advantage of us and call every night. But because we were sick, mom and I were unable to do the usual, like drive cigarettes to him, and do his constant laundry, and worry about him coming home drunk. The sickness ended up coming from my brother when I was with him in the car. But this worked out to my advantage. I am felling a bit better now, but something happened last night. Usually I would dream on, sometimes all day. Other times I would play video games, like Zelda, or whatever, and enjoy the massive worlds and interesting music. But last night something hit me. I was home.
The strange thing about getting over depression is how easy it is, at least for some people. You just don't realize it. I am writing all of this because some of you on this forum have admitted to this condition. I can name a couple of people, but I won't. Depression is a hard thing to deal with, and it really isn't easy for everyone. Some people require medication. Luckily for me it was something as simple as not day dreaming to take me away from the horrible life, and also realizing life is not that bad. This whole time I have said how bad things are, and not many good things have happened in the past few years. But everything changed last night when I began to realize that nothing was happening. I was home for over a week, relaxing and getting over this cold, while at the same time not being used. Then last night I watched a television show called "Grey's Anatomy", an American show about doctors and nurses in a hospital. The show seemed very boring until suddenly something tragic happened. One of the doctors father died (in the story line, not real life) and he acted like he could go on. But eventually the climax of the show appeared when he realized how alone he was. Then I watched a show called 'Mayday' on discovery channel, which is about real life air plane disasters, and heroic pilots. It told a true story of a small bomb that a terrorist had planted underneath a seat, killed one person, and how the pilots landed the plane successfully. The best part was the investigation, and how crime scene investigation REALLY works. The show CSI is all wrong! They are amateurs! Being in a strange mood, and not constantly imaging things, I popped in Zelda - Twilight Princess in my Nintendo, but instead of playing it, and being bored at the same time like normal, I simply watched the intro, and felt emotional because of the dramatic music and emotional expressions on the characters faces. The game is spectacular in every way, and it made me think of my writing. Then I read all of my stories I have written, and suddenly, my left leg gave out.
At that point I suddenly felt different, and realized what was happening to me. For years my left leg has been giving out, and last night I suddenly forgot how to walk. It was like I had a stroke, but did not. This has happened to me for about five years, and I began talking to my Mom, and trying to find clues.
It turns out I have been living in imaginary worlds for too long, and being in front of computers and Nintendo for an excessive period of time is not healthy. With me neglecting my exercises, always putting coordination in video games, and constantly thinking about other worlds, instead of the real one, my body was giving up. My Mom helped me with leg exercises, and I discovered how weak my right leg was, and not the left. The left one is so strong because, when I forget myself, and play video games, and think to much, my coordination disappears, and my left leg takes all seventy pounds (my weight). When I stopped myself from thinking to much, and realizing how free I was, it felt like a breath of fresh air suddenly hit me, and my leg suddenly started working again. All of this was happening, and for so long, because of my selfish mind state. Sometimes, for some of us, it can be as simple as talking to someone else, and realizing how silly you are being. Sure, it is hard with my brother, but I try all the time to get along, and we still have a good relationship. I have also realized how much time I was spending playing games, thinking about other worlds, and logging on to this forum, while not wanting to actually be here. I was ignoring the real benefits of life, and how, sometimes, despite how harsh life really is, you just have to reach out to someone else and say, "can I have a little help here?". Don't blurt out all of your problems, but instead, turn it into humour. My mother and I discussed the life we have lived for the past few years, and both of us are now changing. It also makes my father much happier, as he was actually right all of the time about just about everything.
I am NOT going to be cocky though. I must take things one step at a time. The first thing for me is to get away from computers and video games for a long time. Occasionally I may play a couple of games here and there. I grew up with them and they are entertaining and fun. But they can also be excessive. The most enjoyable part of games to me is the music, especially Zelda music. I know this sounds crazy, but for me, and the worlds I am writing, it helps me think properly. Just the other day, I ordered a book from Amazon.ca called Keys to Drawing, by Bert Dodson. I have never been able to draw anything, but my grammar has improved extensively over the years. Drawing on the other hand has been frustrating, until this morning. Around ten this morning I got up and ate my usual breakfast, a hot chocolate and a whole wheat bagel. Checking the mail box outside in the cold -13 degree weather, I noticed the book had arrived. I anxiously opened the package and started reading. The book is simple. You look, hold, and draw. Look at the subject and form a good image of it. Examine the angles and curves. Hold the image in your mind for a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes. Then draw.
Guess what. I drew an image of my hot chocolate mug, and my half eaten bagel on a plate. Actually the drawing of the bagel look more like a curled up ground hog inside a cheese ball, but I was happy with it. Plain and simple, I was happy and clear headed. Just plain normal.
Like I said before depression is extremely hard to over come. It is so hard for some people that it really does require medical attention. For me it was as simple as changing the daily routine, which is why I am leaving this forum. For the past couple of years I have been in strange moods, and missed many chances because of normal life. But now I plan on changing this, one tiny little baby step at a time. Actually I don't have a plan. I will buy an exercise bike and very, very, very, slowly, begin to use it. The biggest step for me, and the toughest challenge, will be keeping my head high, and out of the thick fog. It you just concentrate and keep focused (and I drive a Ford Focus), you can slowly help yourself overcome some of the greatest challenges in life. Don't ever think that you can think about everything and fix all problems, because you cannot. No way. Instead, focus on a daily routine, and keep yourself entertained. Music has been a huge part of my life, and I am going to download the Zelda music to cd's. It makes me happy, I don't care what anyone thinks, and nobody cares anyway. Actually my mom actually kind of likes some of the music. Sheesh, I am starting to sound like a child again.
Just keep your head high, but not to high, and don't allow yourself to think about everything. If you do, you will never overcome any problems at all. In fact, the problems will consume you. Remember the leg problems? It was simply lack of coordination. Yes I need to exercise more, but I can still walk, drive, make dinner, laugh, cry, crap, and all the other normal things. Sometimes I look at some people in wheel chairs, and hear them say "I'm disabled and can't get a credit card", "I'm disabled which means I have to be treated differently". Bull shit. Your know different than anyone else, so stop acting different. If the world does not adapt to you, than adapt to the world. Think it over. You have an imagination, and that strange organ in your head called the brain is more powerful than you could possibly ever know. Use it. Don't abuse it.
I feel better now. And this is the conclusion. I have said what I wanted to say, and feel I left a lasting impression, good or bad. I did not join this forum because of Noctis. It was because of everyone here. I like some of the conversations and crazy sense of humour. I don't know if anyone will ever read this post up to this point, but if you are reading it, please do the entire forum a favour. Don't ask about Noctis Nova. To many people have taken the subject personally, which has lead to arguments and locked threads. To those of you have been waiting patiently for so long, don't listen to them. In fact, don't say anything at all. If you do, they will keep coming back like the cold that has been hitting me. To those of you who constantly ask, thinking that Alex owes you something, I have one thing to say. In the words of Bruce Willis from the Die Hard series of movies - "Yippie Kiya Mother Fu***r". And in the words of Porky Pig - "Pe pe pe pe, pe pe pe, pe pe, pe pe pe, PISS OFF!!!!!!!!"
Well. I have said more than enough. As stated at the beginning of this post I will be deleting my user name as of end of day Wednesday, eastern standard time. Please remember to download the project if Zixinus does not appear until then, or if he does not comment. Zixinus, please make a post so everyone knows you have it. I am only asking this of you because I put so much hard work into such a dreaded project. I would hate to see so much work and dedication forgotten in the voids of time and cyberspace, although it is still backed up on my computer, and floppy diskettes.
One more thing. I have mentioned numerous times that I write stories, and I hope to publish at least one of them some day. My stories are about this world, but with animals in place of humans. But this is different as the animals are the same size as they are in this world, but with the ability to talk. Just like how Professor Tolkien wrote a history of his world, called the Silmarillions, before writing his famed Hobbit and Lord of the Rings (by the way the real name of the hobbit I believe is "There and back again"). I am currently writing the legends and history of their people. I am aiming mostly at smaller animals, birds, and small things like rodents, ground hogs, and maybe wolfs. I have also chosen to use the continent of Canada, my home and native land. Because the country is so freaken huge, different parts of this land, and her people, are the perfect basis for my stories. This country has such a long and rich history, yet so many never realize it. I will begin in the Rocky Mountain, many hundreds of years before cities and industries, when a certain kind of animal lived in the mountains. But I will play with the languages and history of that exact land, reading about the aboriginal people who lived their, and their ancient languages. If you flip through an encyclopedic dictionary of the english language, sometimes it will display the history of each letter in the alphabet, and how it has changed. This is what I plan on doing. Perhaps some of you might steal these ideas and write your own. You go right ahead. I mentioned the stories because I might publish them some day. If you ever read a story about animals, with ancient history, and how they developed civilizations, you might wonder remember hearing this person speak. Or maybe, and hopefully, someday, you will read mystery stories about an owl and mouse detective duo, written by an author with the first name of Michael. That would be me. Maybe, just maybe. If I keep my mind clear, I can write and think of just about anything. So can you.
This concludes my membership in this forum. Maybe someday I will return to this forum, just to see if I could fit in again. Maybe. But until then I am going to concentrate at the one thing we are all good at, and yet never realize it - life.
I will now end this post with something I put in the final year book when I graduated from high school ten years ago - Work hard, have fun, and be the best you can be.
|written by Buuks on Jan 27, 2007 00:12|
|First things first: Hereby I give you the award for writing the longest post ever in the entire history of Fottifoh! |
I don't know if I gonna miss you, you are just MicMac to me. A person on the internet, not someone I really know.
But I respected you as a member here, and now even more after your elaborate and honest post. And I am glad your life made the right turn.
If your book got released one day, I would probably pick it up and read it. I like stories with a giant background to it. Like LotR or Harry Potter.
Let me say farewell to you and good luck with everything in your life!!
and I know you will be back, most of the members who leaved this forum did returned, and some of them even more than once.
|written by Azuraun2 on Jan 27, 2007 04:28|
|(I've reread this and realise how it sounds, I SWEAR this is a genuine question, I'm not being sarcastic)|
Erm... I'm not sure if you'll still be around to hear this, maybe you mean next Wednesday as it is Wednesday where I live, but by chance do you have heart problems, get little sleep and sometimes feel vague and "non-sentient" as if your brain is rotting?
If so you may be VERY much like me, I am only 80 pounds. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and worry about my state of health sometimes but maybe you and I are in similar environments, it sure sounds like me. Although I'm relatively happy.
I hardly know you, a situation like Buuks', but I hope you live a long, happy life and enjoy every last bit of it. There are some things you have wrote in this post that apply to many of my problems, and I guess when you kind of feel someone's pain and you know a little bit of what they're going through you automatically kind of care for them.
Maybe when you find a little more balance in your life you can come here without being terribly absorbed into everything as you have said and I hope it turns out this way.
And the scary thing is I often feel weak in the legs. But maybe nerve problems could be causing your legs to give out given your spine condition.
One last thing, don't get creeped out someone's writing this to you and you don't even know them, I'm perfectly sane.
|written by Magnulus on Jan 27, 2007 09:51|
|Buuks and Azuraun both put their fingers on it. One of the many curses of the internet is that as a consequence of meeting all these cool and wonderful people from all around the world, it's difficult to connect to every one of them on a very personal level. Additionally, you rarely ever meet any of these people, so there's no physical connection. As a result, most people who disappear will most likely not be missed, and they will probably be forgotten within the week. (though I still think about Kala every now and then...)|
Thanks to this post, however, you've enamored yourself with a lot of us, I think, and definitely left - as you say - a lasting impression on all of us. I'm very grateful that you did this, because it reminds us that the people on the other end really are physical people with lives outside of the forums. Who knows?! Maybe you've made the first steps to bring this web community back to its earlier days of tolerance and acceptance!
Well, at least for a week or two.
Like the other said, I hope you come back some day when it's because you really want to, and not because of another escape from the world.
Thanks for sharing. Good luck out there!
|See you around Micmac. We will miss you here. I wish you the best of luck with life, and the book writing. If you ever get published I hope to see some of your work. It was great having you here man.|
|there's science to be done!|
|written by Yash on Jan 27, 2007 12:51|
|Have fun drawing. Have fun living life. Good luck. You know where to come if you ever need a bit if critique with some future WIP masterpiece. :F|
|Im really glad you've found a way to make life work for you. Micmac, I'm not kiding when I say you've inspired me to get off my overweight butt and go do stuff. Thanks, and good luck. |
|written by Zixinus on Jan 27, 2007 21:06|
|I don't really know what to say. Your story is rather depressing, but good to hear that you're getting better.|
Yes, I'll continue the project. Just that I had little time right now.
Well good luck and good winds!
|written by Yayo on Jan 28, 2007 00:58|
err.. ehm.. *cough*..
I'm sad to read that you're leaving, but I'm happy to know what is it for.
Thanks for being here with us for all this time.
Hope to meet you here again someday.
I really wish you all the best for your life!
Good luck! : D
|written by Speeder on Jan 29, 2007 20:25|
|I wll misss you, MicMac, farewell...|
In my case I am not "hardname thing" I have many psi problems...
But this is other history...
|written by Tom on Jan 30, 2007 03:44|
|Good luck to you, and have fun with life. Thanks for your contributions to the community here; I wish you productivity in all your endeavors and I look forward to reading your stories someday. |
|Though I would like to say something besides "goodbye," I cannot come up with anything else.|
|written by Naavis on Jan 31, 2007 19:39|
I agree with Skinny. I'm not that good with words. But, farewell! Enjoy life!
|Though I would like to say something besides "goodbye," I cannot come up with anything else.|